Tag Archives: change

Fin.

It’s been awhile since I last posted.


And for quite a while I’ve felt a bit hesitant about sharing.


Life continues to unfold in both familiar and unpredictable ways.


My WordPress account came up for renewal, and I decided (or maybe the decision decided me?) to not renew my blog.


Other facets of my life are calling.


I enjoy looking back 6 months, and considering the possibility of 6 months from now…


In 6 months, this now emerging sunflower (providing it thrives & survives the season, sets seed, and I can get to it before birds do) will be, once again, a powerful and humble seed.


I wanted to thank anyone and everyone who read this blog, and for those who followed this blog.

I hope it offered some benefit.


It meant a lot to me, and I’m aware that all time is precious, and so I thank you for using your time this way.


Wishing you all good things.


photo journal through a season. Nook & Cranny 2015.

although my season at the farm began in February seeding Alliums in the greenhouse,

i began taking photos

from approximately the same spot upon arriving to work, beginning in May and ending in December.

(skipping a number of the days due to rushing or being late, or just forgetting…)

(pardon the (possibly obnoxious) long run of (only) photos. i wish i could show it in a 3-block format, like on Instagram, but i don’t know how to change format for one post.)

enjoy.

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thank you, 2015.

(now it’s time to delete these from my phone so as to make more room for new photos of Sophie & Izzy.)

 


Good morning.

  


Reflecting a bit about My Elder/s.

I remember the first day I worked for my Elders

  
– though I didn’t call them that then.

It was November 2009

  
And I remember feeling nervous.

  
Nervous that they wouldn’t like the lunch I had made…

Nervous that we wouldn’t find things to talk about…

  
Nervous that I wouldn’t be smart enough to hold a conversation with them…

I had met them in the Spring of 2008 while working on a landscape gardening crew – and we tended their beautiful perennial garden.

  
It’s funny to reflect on that nervousness now, because over time… week after week after week, their lives became a huge part of my life.

  
There was a kind of braiding together

Nervousness gave way to a sense of ease

They became my anchor.

  
Through changing homes, relationships, and a variety of other part-time jobs… They were my one steadiness.

  
I came to love them & their dog

They came to know me & my quirks

Their home became familiar territory

  
And as I look through the rooms

I’m reminded of them, of conversations, the many meals, hugs, mannerisms & habits I had the honor to witness & be a part of for the past almost 6 years.

   
 “Would you like some black pepper?” I asked, lifting the pepper grinder

& was told early-on “fresh ground black pepper”

And so, at lunch, went the question: would you like some FRESH GROUND black pepper?

Nearly always, the reply was YES

  

Markers of time, reminders are everywhere 

His chair where he sat

Her chair where she sat

The clock with large numbers, easier to read, marks the time after his surgery

  
A stuffed toy left on the floor, a moose chew toy belonging to Bentley, the ancient puppy

Pinching salt in a dish

The ubiquitous box of Kleenex 

  
Wedding invitations from a grandchild

A pile of letters from another grandchild

Well-worn sweatshirts (which I feel compelled to wear, though I stop myself…) 

  
There are numerous photos, the smell of cigars & cinnamon, and long-lived plants (a few which have stories told about them) like this Hoya now after 19 years, in bloom…

  
For this past week, my elder was home, surrounded by family, lovingly tended to, & there was only breathing…

  
And though I have no sense of what it was like for him during that time 

(He stopped speaking at that point)

It was an honor to simply be with him 

  
A sacred time

  A slow unbraiding

Even now, sitting here, pausing now & again to look around & really take in the surroundings, a swirl from past moments floods my mind

& then coming present, that sense of honor… What an honor it is to have gotten to be in these dear people’s lives over time

  
We got to really know each other.

“We’re such lucky, lucky people” she would say.

  
There will likely be other posts reflecting on them, & my time working for them…

It’s all kinda fresh, still.


Brilliant Dharma talk given by Jack Kornfield.

Brilliant Dharma talk given by Jack Kornfield.

thank you so Dharma Seed.

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Reminding myself, reflecting on change, & that word “forever”.

everything changes.

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Winter gives way to Spring

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Spring gives way to Summer

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Summer eases into Fall

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and so on.

every thing changes.

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simple, right?

obvious, right?

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but

but but but

there is still in me this *thing*

like an assumption

of forever

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which is a curious word

in and of itself.

forEverrrrR.

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(RIP Artemis)

this day has come

and it will go

each breath comes in, then goes

the people i love, this body i’m inhabiting, even the beliefs i hold about those i do not love…

everything changes.

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i watch how i live my life – and i see how i try to hold on to things

at times, so often, so graspy.

at times, now and again, with grace.

*sigh*

and just like that

things change.

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don’t get me wrong – i appreciate things that are built to last

older buildings being my favorite examples of such things…

or the telephone which sat on the table and was heavy and had the long curly cord attached to it…

people who are courageous, who vow to walk their lives together till death comes for one… signing up for that depth of future-grief.

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i guess it’s simply unsettling, still,

this sort of being-ness

like walking a fine line

which always feels like some being-in-between

and the dance of acceptance & effort is a delicate one

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i watch the longing – and then i try to practice settling in, or settling down – somewhere in the heart region.

the image that comes is leaning back, into a sort of low & very comfortable chair.

then my eyes, which are often quite alert & tense, relax.

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20 years ago this month, (a baffling thing to write) i moved to New York City to begin my formal studies of Shiatsu.

and for a while, i practiced… mostly part-time, and a stretch of years full-time after getting my NY state license to practice massage.

now i only practice every now and again

and find that i mostly enjoy offering it in a casual way – as needed.

“spot work” – and it has taken a long time to drop the judgement of not doing bodywork in that full-on professional way any longer.

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when i was 23 i thought i’d be practicing bodywork forever.

and at 34 at the farm i thought i’d be there forever.

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so as i look around now at my life

in this present day – there is the feeling of “forever”, and there is the awareness that this too will change.

Blessings on the day.

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dropping the ball, unraveling, & pause.

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this needs to be short

because i need to get home

home to my next, new home.

first night tonight.

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(this is my new flatmate.)

i’ve been dropping the ball.

feels like everything is happening at once.

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sure, i can list the many things that had to get done or that happened this past month and give myself a break.

and while it’s part of my practice to be kind, it’s still challenging for me to offer this sort of kindness towards myself.

the habit is “try to be perfect”

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(whatever that really is)

or at the very least, not make excuses.

but it seems like i’m failing

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*sigh*

i listened to a wonderful podcast from On Being – Krista Tippet interviewing Brene Brown.

she calls it the mid-life unraveling.

i don’t exactly know if that’s what this time in my life is, but i’ll call it that for now.

certainly feels a bit like an unraveling

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(Stanley munching his way through my basket handle)

feels like

i’m a spool of thread

that just ran out, leaving the spool spinning around like a top…

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my point in writing this post is to let folks know who get the daily good morning photo that while i will continue to take the photos, i don’t know when the internet & computer will be set up and ready to go.

so, there will be a pause in the good morning photos.

i’ll bank them, and when the computer is good to go, i’ll post them.

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thanks for reading my blog.

til the next time,

may you be happy.

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